Woah, this really is one of those posts you sit down to write and just kinda stare at the screen for about an hour. It’s been a long time in the planning, but now it’s time to actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) it feels absolutely freakin’ terrifying.
I’m just gunna launch straight in. In April of 2019 I had my heartbroken. Well and truly smashed, cracked, twisted, stomped on and kicked kinda broken. I’d been in a very happy (or at least I thought), loving relationship with my ex boyfriend for three and a half years before he decided he wanted to end it.
It came for me, completely out of the blue and I was totally blindsided by his decision. It was 100% one sided and I really wasn’t expecting it or ready for the relationship to end. We’d lived together for a year and a half before this and although we had the normal waves every couple does, I had no doubt in my mind we’d be together forever…Even writing that down now seems totally naive, but honestly at the time that’s how I felt.
Why we broke up is not something I want to or plan to talk about for various reasons, but mainly because I want to focus on my part in this journey rather than looking back and analysing what the reason may have been. Believe me, I’ve done enough of that myself!
I moved out of our flat immediately on the day we split. I’m lucky enough to live just 20 minutes away from my family home and my parents very kindly had me back to stay. I don’t even remember that drive home but the most painful memory I have from the breakup is that first evening. I sat on the sofa with my parents and cried until I fell asleep. Sleeping was literally the only thing I could do to escape from the hideously terrifying reality I was facing. I was in so much shock I had no idea how to cope. That night I remember waking up at about 3am and for a second forgetting what had happened. And then it hit me again, like a thousand tonnes of horribly cold bricks. A sickening feeling sat in my stomach and my entire body felt in excruciating pain. My arms stung, my head pounded, my chest was tight, and I honestly wondered how I would ever make it through.
Those first few weeks and even the first month was absolutely the hardest experience of my life. I’ve never known pain like that, both physical and emotional.
Just thinking back to that time now brings tears to my eyes, not because I’m still sad about the breakup but because I remember the pain so vividly and it still hurts me to think about myself in those moments.
Along with pain I felt betrayal, confusion, self doubt, stress, anxiety, and disbelief. I questioned what I’d done wrong, why he could give up so easily, why I hadn’t seen any signs, why I wasn’t good enough for him, and so many more horrible thoughts. One of the hardest parts of a breakup is experiencing all of this without the one person you could always count on and trust to help you out of it.
In amongst the pain there was always one voice, the positive side of myself who knew I would make it out. I kept saying to myself I would make it out the other side and I really did believe that, but learning how to deal with the pain in the moment was difficult.
That voice also told me this experience would either make me or break me, and there was no way I was going to let it be the latter.
So after a few well deserved weeks of wallowing and too many tears later I got a plan together.
I filled my calendar up to the brim with plans. Whether it was a cinema trip, drinks with friends, a gym session, a day trip, or shopping, I made sure there wasn’t a day in my calendar I didn’t have a plan. I joined a local choir in Cambridge and restarted Ballet, both hobbies I’ve always loved but never carried into my adult life. I planned holidays with friends, weekend trips to the countryside and girls trips to Europe. I always had something to look forward to and I was never worried about what I was going to be doing on a certain evening or weekend.
I read every single article online about breakups and how to survive heartache. I read self help books, watched videos, and listened to podcasts, all in aid of finding a remedy to the pain. Of course they all said roundabout the same thing, but confirming I was on the right path was enough for me to get comfort.
I did everything I possibly could to ease the pain and after a while, it really did start to work. I started to really enjoy my new routine, I’d filled my life with so many things I loved it was almost impossible to feel sad all the time. I started laughing again, thinking about the future in a new way, and actually looked forward to a fresh new start.
Of course it really wasn’t as easy as just filling my diary up and having a laugh, there were some seriously dark times in amongst it but I am so relieved to say they became few and far between much quicker than I’d imagined.
I’d like to write more about my survival process, but at 950 words I think it’s time to start wrapping this one up. Watch this space for my full breakup survival guide…
Looking forward 10 months on from the breakup I’m now living in a G O R G E O U S apartment in central Cambridge with one of my best friends and I feel more confident and sure of myself than I ever have before. And I’ve just been on my first solo holiday! I am so happy with the way my life is going and I’m so grateful to be surrounded by so much love and support.
I can honestly say I am not the person I was 10 months ago, I look back on that poor girl and want to give her the biggest hug and tell her it really will be ok. Although I’m still not sure she’d believe it…
I have big plans for 2020, and talking about heartbreak, single life, dating, and living independently is something I really want to do more of on my channels. I hope to be a listening ear or offer a little advice to someone going through this process now I can look back on my own experience.
I filmed a very honest and open chat about my experience on my Instagram T.V channel which you can find here.
If you have any questions about my experience or there’s anything specific you’d like me to chat about my messages are always open.